I'm just confused.

I've been struggling for quite a while with a diet. I don't necessarily mean as a "reduction in calories" style diet, but more of a "daily nourishment" diet that I can do. I don't know what I should focus on the most, my liver, my diabetes, my weight? The thing is, they are all tied in together, lowering my weight will help both my diabetes and my liver, defatting my liver will most likely help with my diabetes and my weight. Keeping my blood sugars under better control will help both my liver and my weight also. It's kinda funny. I want someone to hand me a sheet of paper and tell me: Do this! But then I rebel because I guess I get tired of following instructions? I just feel like I have no idea where to start or what's the best. I tried the vegan, I liked the food, and all that, but quite frankly, I just can't do it totally. But I really do think it helped with my blood sugar control, but it did nothing for weight loss. Weight Watchers....at one point years ago I lost 25 lbs and was considered "Diabetic controlled by diet" and I just can't get back to that mindset for some reason, I just kept losing and gaining the same 10 lbs or so. I've tried a few other diets, but most of them were for a few days (buying all the different foods gets expensive and most of the time we're on a fiscal diet), and I can't really say I tried them (Except for Atkins a few years ago: I didn't last a day, missed the bread and fruits so badly). The appetite control that the Byetta gave me, it's gone. It's not that I'm ignoring it, it's just that my body has gotten used to the dose and I no longer have that side-effect anymore. I am still not eating quite as much anymore, so I guess it still works a bit, it's just not what it was. I would just like a diet where I don't have to think, examine every type of food I eat and the possible effect it could have on me. I'm tired of thinking about every little thing I put or plan to put in my mouth and then the guilt that I feel after I've done something that I feel I shouldn't have done. I know I should just look at it like a slip, and keep on trying to do my best, but I'm darn tired of trying to be perfect and failing misserably. I'm tired of having people ask me if it's ok if we go to eat at such-and-such a restaurant, because I don't want to have to think about what I should avoid, and what I really don't want to eat even though it'd be better for me.

I know there are people that are the just eat healthy and that kinda stuff, but for me it really is a life and death kinda thing. If I don't clear my liver or get my diabetes under control I won't be around for a long time to enjoy the great husband and extended family that I have. But even that thought doesn't do much for me. It just kinda makes me want to pull a Scarlett and "Think about it another day." I'm not sure how to keep myself from hiding from what could happen, you'd think that liver surgery would kinda do that for me without much thought. It just makes me scared and worried, and obsessive which all cause me stress and guilt and then I want to just get away from it all, usually by eating.

I also need to get my behind out the door and move! I think that helps everything (liver/diabetes/weight) more than any way of eating could. Once I'm moving I like it, but for some reason I have that "Once at rest a body will stay at rest" law going on. I shouldn't have to lean on my husband to make me walk.

I really need to test my blood sugars more often. I usually forget to do it in the morning since I'm so focused on taking my pills and not eating until I can take my Byetta an hour later. I then forget to re-test after eating - or I've eaten something else when I remember that I needed to test first. That's the big thing, I don't really eat big meals that much anymore, I feel like I'm eating constantly, little things here and there. I think part of my not testing is because I don't want to see that number. I don't want to see that I need to control what I'm eating a bit better. I don't want to know that I am failing once more.

I feel like such a brat.

*SIGH*

Anyway, I am so glad that my allergy test is tomorrow. I'm tired of being stuffed up, headachy and having a runny nose. Could someone PLEASE explain how I can be stuffed up AND have a runny nose? My eyes are itchy, my body's itchy and I just want to take an antihistamine (I'm taking decongestants, they just don't work real well and I can't take too many since it messes up my sleep). I can't even take aspirin or ibuprofen since they both have anti-inflammatory properties. Hubby mowed the grass yesterday and I could only stay outside for a bit before my eyes became horribly unbearable. I need to remember to ask him if there's anything they can do about my poison ivy reactions. I went out today and sprayed a bunch that is in the front side yard (with a vinegar solution) and it's just scary how much poison ivy is spread throughout our whole yard. There's no way to get rid of it all. And I realized that since I couldn't garden last year, the amount of poison ivy I had went way down. It's also been down a lot more because we're a bit more careful with where the dogs go, especially since I can't take any steriods anymore when the poison ivy gets bad. But still, just seeing it popping up without any rhyme or reason scares me. I don't want to have to go through a major poison ivy infection this year. I also need to ask about food allergies.

Made a pretty good dinner last night. It's been one that has planned for a few days but I was feeling bad and didn't cook (Costco take-and-bake pizza is pretty good btw - we ate that for 3 days). Make a mixture of honey, dijon mustard, pepper and dill. Smear on pork chops and bake/broil until done. Then you make a pumpernickel stuffing using stale pumpernickel, broth, onions, garlic, celery, carrots and some seasoning. It was yummy!

My mom was over this weekend. My stepdad had a Lion's Club meeting in Richmond this weekend, so I went and picked her up and we headed out to Lavender Fields Farm for their herb thingy (I'm babysitting herbs for her actually since she leaves for Savannah today) and then we went to the Lebanese Food Festival and I got to introduce her to some wonderful foods that she's never tried before. :) We got a bunch of stuff and shared it. We shared: Kibbeh, cucumber yogurt salad (she already knows this, but likes it better with sour cream and dill, this had yogurt and mint, the way I like it), stuffed grape leaves, chicken schwarma, falafel, and a spinach feta pie. And I still lost a pound the next morning when I weighed. :D She's interested in going (along with my stepdad) to the Greek Festival now. He's a big lover of Pastas and stuff (His deceased wife was Italian) so we think he'll like greek food more than the lebanese.